Friday, February 19, 2010


{i have come to acknowledge i am scared.}

i can't pretend i feel like a normal of age 21 year old. but gosh i cant just go with you out there in the dark sit in cars anymore and expect to be satisfied. i am scared to do the things you do, scared i will miss out on valuable productive moments . should i be working out now? should i be sending out DVD's, resume, full body photographs in nothing but my tights and leotard to small companies throughout the US hoping to be invited to company auditions? shouldn't i be working on my website? or making art to sell? what about the book I am reading to better myself or the love letter I never finished writing? Oops, are you still checking the mail every day for that one? have i done enough sit ups today to see progress? or am i only working out enough to maintain my weight? i have come to really appreciate sleep.

yes i can BUY alcohol now, for YOU and your parked cars outside starbucks. or for long nights and empty houses.
I can't seem to want to do anything except work hard at becoming.
....becoming better constantly improving perfection beauty and perhaps one day i can be content with who i am because of the work and time and suffering i have invested in the art i believe in with all my heart and soul. i find no happiness in hanging around, only anxious get me out of here get me home thoughts. i'm scared to get lost in agoura hills for the fun of it. the fun of wasting time the long nights of madness are over. this strange driven compulsion to always be productive has consumed me and unless we are making art or love i should be sleeping.

i have come to embrace loneliness as motivation to produce art. when my body aches and i don't think i can push myself any harder i do and am amazed and what the human body can accomplish.

lots of time spent alone left only to reflect on the importance of being honest to myself i happily can conclude that at all the parties the fun the shows the pictures the facebook tagging i am left out of is irrelevant to the moment i am on stage i am exactly where i want to be.

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